Dr. Kimberly Stearns

Relationship Expert, Clinical Psychologist, CEO

I Don’t Need You To Complete Me

//  Leave a Comment

The Myth of Soulmate Completion

Remember that moment in the movie Jerry McGuire when Tom Cruise finally comes around and gives Renée Zellweger the speech in which he tearfully declaims “You complete me”? After he spent the most of the movie adoring her child and being emotionally unavailable to her? And her response was “You had me at hello…”? A lot of people saw this as a quintessential romantic movie that showed how people can change, how love conquers all, and how soulmates are meant to complete each other.

Thanks to popular movies like this, as well as other TV shows, fairy tales, and a few cultural myths, a lot of people think that they are seeking a single sacred soulmate who will fill their voids, fix the damage accumulated throughout life, and who will fit together with them like two perfect halves of something meant to be whole. It’s a nice idea, isn’t it? That somewhere out there, there exists a single person who can do all of that for us, and all we have to do is find them in order to finally feel complete.

But seeking out a soulmate based on your idea of what you lack, to fill an emptiness inside you or to help you overcome addictions or deficits is the wrong way to approach your love life. If you focus on all the things that you think are wrong with you and base your desire for another person on those things, rather than on the kind of joy, fulfillment, and deep satisfaction that a soulmate relationship brings, you end up with a relationship built on all the wrong things.

A soulmate relationship is not some kind of tough-love therapy that brings out the worst in you so it can be changed and ultimate fixed. This is backward thinking and not helpful to anyone involved. Looking at love this way can also keep people stuck in unhealthy, unhappy relationships because people think they have to work through the hard stuff to get to finally get that something special they always wanted. Wallowing in damage while waiting for another person to repair you is a recipe for pain and tears.

Each and every one of us is fully responsible for our own personal transformation, our own healing, and our own journey through life. And each one of us is already a whole being unto ourselves. Putting the responsibility for your healing on your partner is not fair to them or to the great relationship that you could potentially share. When someone does this, it traps them in the unhealthy emotional life script of being The Dependent One, which disempowers them not only in their relationship, but in all areas of life.

Is possible to gain greater insight into your own patterns and healing through a genuine soulmate relationship? Yes, of course, it is. But the misconception that you need a soulmate to fix your broken parts and complete you is misguided and prevents you from finding the kind of relationship you really want. When you’re in a healthy relationship you inspire one another to grow, evolve, and bring out the best in each other. But inspiring positive growth and change is very different from actively trying to fix someone.

So instead of thinking about want parts of you need to be fixed, or what parts of your partner you can fix, focus on bringing your happiest self to the relationship. Give the relationship the best of you and accept the best of your partner. Enjoy what you each bring to the relationship without expecting it to be the fix to all your problems. You still get to do that part for yourself.

https://medium.com/@drkimberlystearnsphd/when-your-love-life-feels-like-groundhog-day-91aa3d89cc12

Want to be the first to know about new articles and exciting announcements? Click here to sign up for Dr. Kimberly Stearns updates.

When It’s Better To Be Alone

//  Leave a Comment

It’s better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

An unhappy relationship can suck the life out of you. It can also suck the joy out of your life and turn you into someone negative who constantly complains. Relationships aren’t easy. It takes courage and vulnerability to make them work. But if you feel like you are doing all the work and still things just won’t get better, it may be time to step away and spend your time and energy with yourself.

Being alone isn’t easy either. Fear of loneliness can drive people to jump from one unhappy relationship to another with little to no time in between to sit with yourself and figure out what you really want and need from your relationships.

Use your alone time to prepare

When you are alone it can seem like everywhere you look, the world is filled with couples. Couples holding hands as they walk toward you down the street. Couples cuddling on the park benches you pass. Couples kissing in the movie theater two rows up. If you stay single for long, friends and family may start making comments and might even try to set you up with one of the other single people they know. Like their friend Edna’s nephew from church.

When the invitation for a wedding arrives and you have to decide whether or not to bring a friend as your plus one, you might start to despair.

But don’t. Taking time between relationships to be with yourself can be highly beneficial both for you and your future partner. It provides time for reflection on the last relationship, and time to think about what you want in the future. What do you want to do differently next time? What do you need to be truly happy in the kind of relationship you want?

If you find yourself alone when you want to be with a partner, this is the perfect time to employ the Law of Attraction in your soulmate search.

Make a list.

One technique I recommend starting with is to write out a list of the attributes you are seeking in a soulmate. The list may include things like intelligence, sense of humor, charisma, or any number of positive traits.

But here’s the thing that really makes this work: while you are composing this list, do whatever it takes to put yourself in a joyful, even elated emotional state.

Put on music. Dance around. Slip on high heels and a dress that makes you feel fantastic. Get yourself really excited about meeting this potential partner. Visualize what it will be like when you are sharing your life with your future soulmate. How will they look at you? Talk to you? Touch your arm as you walk together? What kinds of things will you do together? Once you have an image clearly in mind and feel joy coursing through your body, then sit down to write the list. Make it as long and detailed as you like. The clearer the vision, the better.

Try doing this on a daily basis for 30 days.

Make room in your day each day to consciously create happiness and contemplate the love you desire. When you infuse your life with this level of joy, openness, and positive expectation daily the effects will ripple out through all aspects of your life. Not only will you feel happier, more hopeful, and ready for anything, you will be open to all the possibilities life presents you. Including the chance to find the kind of love you most want and deserve.

Happy list making.

https://medium.com/@drkimberlystearnsphd/how-to-have-more-to-be-grateful-for-9d0c4f98267