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Psychology

Embracing Lazy

October 4, 2019 //  by kimberly//  Leave a Comment

Sometimes the best self-care is to do nothing at all.

Photo by Lenin Estrada on Unsplash

Does it ever feel like your every waking moment is all about go go go! Full calendars and to-do lists, appointments and assignments, phone calls, emails, and texts all the time!. Too much to do in too little time? Maybe you even feel a secret sense of pride about how stressed and overworked you are? Is there a sense of exhilaration about being the businest person you know?

Sure we all want to suceed and be seen as successful, but burn out is real and wide spread. In this article from Psychology Today it identifies “cynicism, depression, and lethargy” as some of the emotional, mental, and physical signs of the special kind of exhaustion brought on by repeated and prolonged stress. Not exactly what we think of when we think of success.

So what can we do to make sure we don’t hit that horrible point of burn out ourselves? One of the best ways is to take regular, periodic breaks from the stress. There is a reason weekends were invented afterall. But these days so many keep right on working through the weekends, whether for their regular job, or trying to start up or maintain a side hustle. And while all of that is admirable, if it lands you in a state of cynical, depressed lethargy, you aren’t doing yourself or anyone else any favors.

This is exactly why there are times when the best course of action is inaction. When the best thing in the world you can possibly do is to just sit back, relax, and embrace your inner lazy. Why not take that Saturday morning where you would normally rush off to the gym in a compulsive ritual-like way, and luxuriate in bed instead?

Peruse your favorite magazine. Stare out the window. Daydream. Do nothing. Spend time with your pet. This can sometimes be the best recipe for improved mental health and an enhanced happier state of mind. Being still and calm. can bring more tranquility into your life, and even result in a reduction in blood pressure. There are so many health benefits to just taking a little time off now and then.

So once in a while embrace your inner lazy and realize the wonderful effects of this. We all feel driven sometimes to engage in activities that in the end are not helpful to us and may make us feel more harried and frenzied. So take those lazy moments, relish them, enjoy them and reap the wonderful effects. Why not try it this weekend?


https://medium.com/@drkimberlystearnsphd/how-to-have-more-to-be-grateful-for-9d0c4f98267

Category: UncategorizedTag: Burnout, Mental Health, Psychology, Self Care, Self Improvement

Is Self-Sacrifice Ruining Your Relationship?

September 24, 2019 //  by kimberly//  Leave a Comment

Being a martyr isn’t good for you or your partner

Photo by Molly Belle on Unsplash

Does it ever feel like all you do is give and give? And instead of giving back to you, all others do is take?

When you are stuck in a pattern of self-sacrifice, of ignoring your own needs for the sake of pleasing others, you’re likely to attract a partner who is selfish and greedy.

We teach others how to treat us with every interaction.

When you insist on only giving without receiving in return, when you make it clear that you will freely offer up everything you have to give with no expectation of reciprocation, you may very well attract the kind of person who wants to squeeze every last drop out of a relationship and then discard the used up partner so they can move on and do it all over again. This person may be charming and charismatic. They may be attractive and even seem kind at first. But the kind of person most likely to be attracted to a martyr tends to be the narcissist who will eagerly take all the martyr has to give.

If you recognize that you are a martyr in a relationship with a narcissist, don’t despair.

Remember that this recognition is a very important first step. It gives you the self-awareness you need to start changing your patterns and your life. If you are in an abusive relationships, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially, please seek help immediately from the national domestic abuse hotline, local authorities, or a qualified professional.

But what if your partner isn’t a narcissist? What if they are just a normal person who has fallen into this pattern along with you?

Martyring yourself signals to those around you that you don’t believe your needs are important — that you don’t believe that YOU are important.

And if you don’t believe it, how can you expect anyone else to believe it for you? Even if you are with someone who is good and kind and wants what is best for you, you may be teaching them not to consider you, not to ever put you first because you never put yourself first. You may even be sacrificing yourself to do things for them they never asked for and don’t even want you to do. If this is the case, you may be pushing them away by making the relationship so uneven that they can never feel like they are doing enough. Especially if they are someone with a sense of healthy boundaries.

When you insist on martyring yourself in a relationship, you deprive your partner of the opportunity to give back.

You don’t allow them the joy of learning how to love and take care of you. You may have put them in the role of taking too much, whether they want to or not. They may even feel smothered by the sense of owing you more than they can ever repay. They may feel a sense of guilt that their contribution to the relationship is insignificant compared to yours.

A truly joyous relationships is one based on the free and generous exchange of energies. A give an take that flows back and forth between you. A reciprocal cycle that may not always be exactly even day by day on a score card, but that overall feels equal and good.

Trying to turn around an established relationship where you have been martyring yourself from the start can be difficult.

Once you have been in a situation like this for a while, you will start to feel exhausted and resentful. But because you are supposed to be the kind of person who always puts the needs of others first, you probably won’t express your need for rest and appreciation in a straight forward way. Instead, you become passive-aggressive because that is the only way for a martyr to express dissatisfaction without breaking out of their established martyr role.

However, shifting a martyr relationship into a healthy one can be done if both people want it.

You will have to adjust to the uncomfortable feeling of letting another do things for you, and yes, even expressing your own wants and needs with the intention of letting another fulfill them. You will have to learn how to receive, to allow another to offer you the attention, compassion, and help that you need. Your partner will have to adjust to doing things for themselves that you have been doing for them. They will have to reconnect with their own innate generocity to express their positive feelings for you through action.

Both of you will need to practice self-awareness and patience as you shift the relationship into a healthier balance, but when you get there, the energetic boost you both will experience will be worth it.

When you combine the self-awareness you have now achieved to recognize your own part in creating the self-sacrifice pattern you are in, with the self-love to set healthy boundaries and receive the love you need, and gratitude for all in your life that is good, you have the three keys necessary to change negative behavior patterns in your relationship.


https://psiloveyou.xyz/when-its-better-to-be-alone-1593c1619269

Category: UncategorizedTag: Dating, Love, Narcissism, Psychology, Relationships

Accelerate Intimacy by Traveling with Someone You Are Dating

September 11, 2019 //  by kimberly//  Leave a Comment

Some tips to make your trip a success

Photo by Tim Stief on Unsplash

Adventure. Wanderlust. The romance of travel. The desire to see new horizons and visit new places, to taste new flavors and see new wonders.

While travel isn’t for everyone, when you find someone you want to travel with, it can be an extraordinary, exciting, and intimate experience. It can also let you see sides of someone you might not see in the course of regular stationary dating.

When you travel with someone you are newly dating, you have the ability to get to know them very quickly in a short amount of time.

It creates a sense of accelerated intimacy.

You get to interact with them in a variety of contexts. You see them in the morning. You see them in the evening. You see them all the hours in between. You get to see how they navigate through the small stressors that occur while you are traveling. How do they handle unfortunate but sometimes unavoidable ordeals like delays, lost luggage, unexpected interruptions, and disappointing accommodations? You get the chance to see how the two of you work together in concert to overcome the challenges that arise. You can see what happens when the two of you disagree. How will you come to a compromise.

You can see how it feels to enjoy the serendipitous moments when everything goes unexpectedly well and you discover something even better than either of you could have planned.

If you are thinking of traveling with someone that you have been dating for a short time, stop and think about your hopes and expectations. Think about the best-case scenario, how good it will feel in those moments when everything goes right. Center yourself in those good feelings. Let them soak in and feel so real that it’s almost as if you are already there. This isn’t to set the expectation that nothing on the trip will ever go wrong. That would be unrealistic and you would likely feel disappointed. Instead, use this good feeling as your anchor for the trip. Be ready for everything to go right, but being in a good mood to start with will help you to deal with the small stressors that will doubtless arise with the patience and grace that you hope for from your travel partner as well.

Happy traveling.


https://psiloveyou.xyz/when-its-better-to-be-alone-1593c1619269

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Category: UncategorizedTag: Dating, Love, Psychology, Relationships, Travel

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